Heartache

Why is it that when i get my hopes up all the time someone knocks me back and i fall flat on my face. Ive never in all mylife been so upset ... over a guy... Im heartbroken. I learned a lesson not to be so quiet and withdrawn to myself, and when i turn it around and be more open and honest with myself i am still a bad person in Mr Xs eyes. I tried my bloody well best the last 2 weeks to be the nicest, honest, loving and caring person possible in the world, but honesty really gets you no where. I dont understand why i am just not ment to be with anyone, i want to be loved ,and i want to love someone too, and my kids want that too in there lives, its just really not fair, its as if i am being punished for something and i havent got a clue what exactly it is. Im sick and tired of been lonely and lying to myself about my feelings. My friends wouldnt understand cause there either man hating women or in relationships or have no kids and only really care about themselves ...... So the way it goes is that Mr X and i were in a relationship for nearly 2 years on and off, he dumped me there just 2 days before vals day, and i was left crushed, i always relied on that lil hope i hadinside of me that he would come back and say sorry to me, but he never did, i had to do it, i had to say sorry for things i didnt do, for reasons i had no idea of, in other words, i was a bad person as always, this is going to sounds like a load of totaly rubish but im typing out of hurt and anger .....

i havent a clue what i am going o do with my life now.... he was my future.

Got to Begin Somewhere

When i looked at that pregancy test ... not again!!!!

I was already 22 .. was christmas week .. and i just found out i was pregnant ....

Some might say .. wow what the most perfect christmas present .. Me on the other hand, I was 22, already had two children from a previous relationship and living at home in my mothers.

Thats no christmas miricle .. thats a nightmare before christmas!

As i walked down the stairs in my mothers house with the test in my hand ... i think my mother read what was wrong with the look on my face ... i burst into tears.

This wasent the only hurdle i had to jump that day .. i had to tell the daddy to be the news .... mind you, we broke up a few days before hand .. due to my erratic emotional behavior.

My mother forced me to call him, he was in work at the time .. call it bad timing to call him in work? Seemed like the best time to me, at least he couldnt shout down the phone at me, not that id expect him to anyways.

ring ring .... ring ring ...

That conversation will haunt me for the rest of my life.... he wasent happy at all, he suggested a termination.

You might say ... oh my god how dare he ... or you could call him all the names under the sun ... as much as a horrible thing it is to have a termination ... i agreed.

Who wants to bring up a child in this world whos father doesnt want him/her?

After all i was already bringing up 2 who's father couldnt bother his arse to make an effort with his children and who cared more about himself and drugs.

Can you imagine that day coming around when the child asks where there father is ... or the father days when all the kids are in school making Happy Fathers Day cards and your poor son or daughter will be left feeling arkward?

Some might say that i am been stupid about that last comment .. but i do understand that children are brought into the world with no fathers there for them, or those poor children who lose there fathers later on in life ... not that they should be in comparison to them. But its father similar in a way, but the only different is .. i had a choice, not what many girls or familys have. But i did .. and i took it.

Will i regret it later on in life???

Im sure i will. But thats something that i have to deal with .... i think that 23rd August will haunt me forever .. that would of been my due date ....

Its next week. . . .