Heartache

Why is it that when i get my hopes up all the time someone knocks me back and i fall flat on my face. Ive never in all mylife been so upset ... over a guy... Im heartbroken. I learned a lesson not to be so quiet and withdrawn to myself, and when i turn it around and be more open and honest with myself i am still a bad person in Mr Xs eyes. I tried my bloody well best the last 2 weeks to be the nicest, honest, loving and caring person possible in the world, but honesty really gets you no where. I dont understand why i am just not ment to be with anyone, i want to be loved ,and i want to love someone too, and my kids want that too in there lives, its just really not fair, its as if i am being punished for something and i havent got a clue what exactly it is. Im sick and tired of been lonely and lying to myself about my feelings. My friends wouldnt understand cause there either man hating women or in relationships or have no kids and only really care about themselves ...... So the way it goes is that Mr X and i were in a relationship for nearly 2 years on and off, he dumped me there just 2 days before vals day, and i was left crushed, i always relied on that lil hope i hadinside of me that he would come back and say sorry to me, but he never did, i had to do it, i had to say sorry for things i didnt do, for reasons i had no idea of, in other words, i was a bad person as always, this is going to sounds like a load of totaly rubish but im typing out of hurt and anger .....

i havent a clue what i am going o do with my life now.... he was my future.